It's Been A Minute

  It's been a minute. Or so they say nowadays. But, what exactly is a minute? According to the online dictionary, a formal definition would be, "a period of time equal to sixty seconds or a sixtieth of an hour". Whereas an informal definition is, "a period of time; a while". OK, so yeah, it's been a while(minute)🙄, whatever. 

During this time, I turned 60! But my mind doesn't feel that old! My eye doctor said he needs to keep an eye on my eye (lol). It appears that my eye is forming a cataract! Isn't that something "old people" get? In my mind, I am still in my 40's! Well, I guess my body has decided to behave as a 60+ regardless of my mind's opinion. 

My Pulmonologist wants me to have my CPAP needs retitrated. It has been a minute (see where I went there?) since the last time. She wants to switch me over to BIPAP. What?! I understand that my numbers have been all over the place. I know my air pressure needs have topped out at 20 on several occasions (severe COSA). I know a BIPAP will breathe with me (adjustable pressures up to 26) whereas the CPAP is a constant flow of air pressure that increases (up to 20) as my needs increase. So, this all makes sense to me, but I can't get it out of my head that BIPAP is the go-to when someone is critical (and usually intubated) in an emergency situation, possibly bound to die. But, for me, this is not an emergency. 

The manufacturer of the CPAP machine has a massive recall going on. They don't know if the machines will be repaired or replaced yet. They're waiting to get a ruling from some branch of government. In the meantime, I have an in-line filter on the hose end, so if my machine is or has melted or otherwise destroyed the internal filter, it will catch the particles instead of me breathing them in. 

But... What if this had already happened prior to the recall? Could this have been the deciding factor that caused me to get COPD? Or is it the reason why the middle lobe of my right lung is not expanding and contracting properly, causing me to be out of breath with minimal exertion? Who knows?!

 The upside is if my doctor decides to put me on BIPAP, the recall issue will be instantly resolved for me, as those machines have all been checked and are not part of any recall. And by switching to BIPAP now, rather than waiting, the huge demand for proper CPAP machines will no longer be an issue for me.  Win/Win? I suppose you could see it that way. <sigh>

So, to finish up with this post, the only other thing going on with me is n.o.t.h.i.n.g... I'm a Mom to two, Mimi to five boys and one girl and as of July of last year (2020), I am a GREAT-GRANDMOTHER to a little girl who I have yet to meet. My two are not speaking to me which trickles down to the grands and now the great-grand. It has caused me major anxiety over the years. I have finally learned how to turn it all over to God. I would by lying if I said it doesn't bother me from time to time. But being able to call out to God and pray for Him to take this anxiety from me, has given me such peace. I miss my family more than I can say and I hope and pray that we all can reunite soon. That would be the biggest and best blessing that I could ever hope for!

In the meantime, I am me. Doreen, Mom, Dodo, Mimi, Great-Mimi. Whatever you want to call me. I love my family and friends. I pray daily that God will bless them and keep them safe as they go about their day. I believe He hears me. I believe He has only good things planned for my life. Until it is my time to go home... Amen🙏🏻❤

See ya'll in another "minute".😄🥰💕

Too Good Not To Retell

 

I saw this cartoon and it just cracked me up. For whatever reason, my family would pull out the scale and we would take turns weighing in. I always went last because I've always struggled with my weight all of my life and I really didn't like the scale... This one day, I was especially hesitant because a number that I never wanted to see was looming closer. Eventually, I got on, looked down and burst into tears. I was well over that dreaded number. Everyone suddenly became very animated, talking at the same time. My Dad grabbed me by my arms and told me to get back on the scale. I told him no, I didn't need to see that again. He insisted and then told me that he had been pushing down on the back of the scale!! Turns out, I was not even close to that dreaded number! I laugh now. My Dad was quite the jokester! 

A Loner? Or Just Alone? Does it really matter?

That's a good book, BTW...

I used to be a busy person. As a kid (as soon as I was old enough), I helped an old man clean his house, babysat for my neighbors,worked at a pizza parlor and then a florist shop. I worked at TGY (department store) for a very short period of time until I got the job I really wanted at Publix (grocery store). I would have loved to stay with them beyond my two years, as I loved the people I worked with and the customers, but as a single parent of a little girl, I needed a full-time job with benefits. I worked at Fish Memorial Hospital (before HCA took over) in the x-ray department, transporting patients, helping to position the patients for the x-rays, developing and then transcribing them once the Radiologist read the films. I worked in banking as a teller and then became Supervisor of the checking department, including their remote Points Of Service, for a Savings & Loan. I went back to school years later and became a Barber. I loved the work and the customers were fantastic. The busy business of a Hairstylist got the better of me and I left. Plus, hubby constantly gave me grief over my hours. The best money was made at night and he didn't like playing Mr. Mom... Finally, I worked at a Door & Trim shop as an Accounts Administrator for just about 5 years. Again, hubby couldn't handle it when I worked overtime. The money was excellent, and I loved feeling like I could be self-sufficient, but his ego couldn't take the fact that I made more money than him. 😎 Plus, in 2005, everything came crashing down when Rheumatoid Arthritis & Fibromyalgia reared their ugly heads. I can't help but wonder if all the stress at home and feeling torn between my job and family brought this all on (amongst lots of other stressors in my life). I've been declared legally disabled and unable to work ever since (well, after fighting with SSD for almost 7 years!). I wish they would find a cure. I feel like I've gone way downhill in the past 14 years. BUT, I try to do the best I can with what I have and am able to do on any given day. I rest when my body tells me to. I've learned to say "NO", although it still hurts to have to say it sometimes. I was the one who always wanted to be the grandmother (Mimi) who watched the grands while their parents worked. Now I've had to learn to enjoy my own company. The grands don't come over anymore and I was unable to pick up the toddlers anyway (although I tried and paid for it later). I just love and miss them with all of my heart. 💖 Then in 2016, my husband decided he didn't love me anymore and so, after 1/2 of my life with this man (26+ years), I was facing another divorce. The 3rd one in my life, although this marriage had lasted the longest, I still felt like a failure. I guess I am just not made for marriage. No more, though. I'm done - the ballgame is over. The kids are all grown. They don't need me anymore. It's MY time now! I've learned that I like my own company! Watch out world. HERE I COME!!! 🙌 I'm not a loner, I'm not lonely and it doesn't really matter. I AM ME!!

2018 - The Good, The Bad And The Much Better!

What a year 2018 has been! So much growth and gratitude! God has been so good to me!

I had my second knee replacement surgery in February 2018, went home the day after instead of two days later, and after lots of physical therapy, I can now walk without pain in my knees! That doesn't mean that I don't still have the RA and FM pain everywhere else in my body, but it is definitely freeing to be able to walk without a cane or walker. I try to take care of my body and I pray that the autoimmune stuff stays quiet. One day at a time...

2018 also had me breaking out of my "shell", so to speak. In October, I completed my first 4½ hour drive ALONE! Woo Hoo, that was freeing! My nephew and his beautiful bride got married and I was determined to be at that wedding. I was so happy when I arrived at my hotel! Exhausted, but happy. It was a gorgeous day for the wedding, not too hot, and I also got to see some of my out of state family that I hadn't seen in more than 35 years! I am so grateful to God (as my Guide) that I was able to make the trip!

2018 was a time for growth and reconnections. My brother and sister both live back in the area and have become such a wonderful lifeline and source of joy to me! I've been back and forth to their homes and them to mine several times throughout the year. Always a great source of fun and laughter when we get together! 

I was "allowed" to spend a few hours with my grandson, Bentley, at the beginning of December so we could go to dinner and then Walmart to let him pick out his birthday present. He turned 6 and is so tall! He did say he is the tallest one in his kindergarten class. Them Burkey genes have taken a hold of him. 😊😊 I still haven't met his new sister who will be two this year. All in God's timing. 

I survived Christmas 2018 without a tear! (2017 brought a threat of the little men in white coats) My daughters are still doing their own things, sans me. BUT, I have learned that I can find joy, peace and comfort in God (as well as my siblings) and He will never leave nor forsake me! Everything else is in His Hands. I trust and pray everyday that He will soften their hearts so that they will find their way back to Him and in turn to me. In the meantime, I have learned to really enjoy my own company. Who woulda' thunk it?! LOL

So, here we are... A New Year... New Beginnings... New Hopes... New Goals...

May this year bring everything you hope, dream and pray for! 

Beware The Prankster Behind

Too funny!! When my parents were alive, we would occasionally bring out the scale and everyone would take a turn. I wasn't sure how much I weighed, but knew I was gaining, so I purposely went last hoping to not have to get on it. Didn't work. On I go, and it stopped at just over 200lbs. I started crying. I had gained more than I thought. My Dad saw my tears and immediately fessed up about having been behind me pressing down on the back of the scale. Of course, being a family of pranksters, tears became laughter and playful swatting. 

Dad could be so funny and he loved to tease. He was also very loving and strict all at the same time. Oh, how I miss my Dad!!

Two Months Later, But Who's Counting

This crazy life I live... Some would say it's peaceful (and it is), some would be bored with the solitude (I'm not bored), some would want to be out and about meeting new people, starting new relationships, etc., etc. (not me). So, what have I done these past two months?

The knees have healed. Yay!! I still have a deep dimple above my left knee, but no more pain! I had to change the water filter under my sink last weekend and discovered just how weak two major surgeries within six months have left me. It was a little frightening. No wonder I feel as if my balance is off at times. It probably is. I need to fix it and I will, but how is the question. I qualify for Silver Sneakers and have several places to choose from. I hate to go alone, though. I'll figure it out... One day at a time.

I signed up for Plenty Of Fish recently and had a coffee "date" with a gentleman from VA. He looked so old! His hands shook with what he said the doctors told him were essential tremors. I don't know if I want someone with alot of health issues. Well, not to marry at least. I have taken care of so many people in my lifetime, from babysitting my little brother while our Mom worked to children and husbands starting at a very young age all the up until this third divorce last year. Anyway, his name is Lacey and he talks more than me!! Believe it or not!! He also is very knowledgeable, but tends to go a bit overboard in expressing what he knows. He might be fun to hang around with at times, but I don't know if he is long term material. When I asked him to be honest about our meeting, he did say he had a good time talking with me, but that I was heavier than what he expected. HA! I told him he should have seen me 100 pounds ago, lol. But its all good. He did not ask me what I thought of him, though. He is so knowledgeable, he probably already knows, lol.

I have been catfished (almost) three times already (no financial loss in any way, shape or form) and I really think the women from Houston have disappeared as I see a lot of men from there who promise to maintain good communication even though they are far away and to not let it scare me. LOL, no thank you. If you're not local and I can't see you in person, I'm not interested.

I don't know how long this dating thing will take. I'm not in a rush. I want to explore other avenues besides dating apps. I need to go to church. I've also read that volunteering at a shelter or food pantry can lead to a match. We'll see. No matter what, I don't mind being alone. I do miss my girls more than I can say and I wish they would at least text with me, but I guess its not to be right now.

So, for now, I am Doreen. I would love to get to know you better. Where are you from?...

Where to begin?

It's been an incredibly long time (almost 4½ years to be exact) and I really don't know where to begin. OK... RA is still the daily demon in spite of medication and surgeries (come back for that). Thrice divorced is the name of the game (insert single, alone, enlightened), shunned Mama is my name. Oh well... Stuff happens. My walk with God is stronger by the day. He has brought me THROUGH the fire! More to come... Promise... It's 5:30pm and I'm operating on peanut butter crackers and coffee. Not a good combination, I know, but more to come...

Good Ole' RA

I had surgery three weeks ago yesterday on my right foot by my little toe. The plans were to remove some bone spurs, correct a Tailor Bunion Abnormality and remove a 1.5cm tumor (all on the little toe side). He did pretty much what he said he was going to do, but the bone on my little toe had turned blue between the 1st and 2nd knuckle. It kind of freaked the doctor out - he readily admitted it. He told hubby that he was concerned it might be cancer - which REALLY freaked David out as he lost his favorite sister 21 mos ago to cancer and has another sister who appears to be in the final stages of cancer as well. So, when the doctor mentioned cancer on my foot, you just can imagine how David felt.

PRAISE GOD!! The biopsy came back as most likely cyanosis (poor circulation or inadequate oxygenation). It appears that the death of that section of bone is a side effect of Rheumatoid Arthritis - Yippee - NOT!! I'm just grateful that it’s not cancer.

Last Thursday, the doc removed the last of the stitches - said it looked real good - told me to use Palmer's Cocoa Butter on it to minimize the appearance of the scar and I don't have to go back for a month. I imagine it is just for a final check up. I'm glad it’s over.

Unfortunately, now it’s time for the next area to be addressed. I don't know if it should be my shoulder or my wrist. Both areas have issues. Lately the wrist is the worst. I'll let the Orthopaedic make the decision. I'm just tired of pain. I hate going under the knife, but if it makes things better and no pain, then I will go for it. It’s much better than taking a bunch of pain pills, that's for sure...

What A Day!!

No kidding!! About 5 days ago, I got an email from USPS (post office) stating that I had a package waiting for me and all I had to do was print the attached label and take it to the post office to get my package. Yeah, right! I should have known better, but I fell for it - hook, line and sinker. I should have recognized that the colors in the logo were wrong. I should have called the post office before trying to open the zip-file to see if it was legit. I should have recognized that the post office has never done things like that before. I should have just marked it as "SPAM" and been done with it.

But, I didn't. I tried to open the zip-file and of course it wouldn't open. So, when it doesn't work the first time, you try it again, right? NOT!! So, after 5 days of trying to fix things myself and going crazy every time my Avast anti-virus popped up with 21+ notifications of blocked Malware I had to shut the volume off and called Avast this morning just before 11 am, asking for help.

5½ hours later (honestly, seriously), things are finally back to normal. I am so grateful and so exhausted all at the same time. I can now turn my speakers back on and listen to music or whatever else I want without that incessant warning popping up over and over and over again.

What a wasted day. BUT - at least my computer is fixed! Thank God! Now I can get something to eat as I haven't eaten all day and then I'm going to crash and burn in front of the TV while I lounge comfortably on my bed...

Another Day in the Neighborhood

Nothing's really changed. I still feel on edge. Its been said that if you don't know what to do, then do nothing. That's me - doing nothing. I've tried to lay back and take it easy. It does help to ease my mind of the things from the previous post. I found a local place (A Caring Heart) that is a counseling center. I think I need to check into it. I don't know...

I'm tired. I'm sick of being in pain. The newest pains involve my pinkie finger, first knuckle, all the way to the tip of the finger. My hand was numb one morning. I semi-straightened my pillows like I always do when I first wake up, but because my hand was numb, my middle, ring and pinkie fingers felt funny - very uncomfortable, almost painful when I did this. Its been a couple of weeks since this happened. My pinkie is red, feels funny, swollen and kinda hurts when I bend it. IDK...

My right knee has been horrible, but then its my lower back too. Those have been so bad that I've resorted to using my walker more often than usual. Of course when we have rain, storms, tropical disturbances, everything is worse. I don't know if its my knee or back or both. Something needs to be done. I'm thinking a repeat MRI of my lower back for comparison. I don't know what it'll show, but something is changing and its not for the good.

Ok, blah, blah, blah, whine, whine, whine, complain, complain, complain. That's it for now.