2018 - The Good, The Bad And The Much Better!

What a year 2018 has been! So much growth and gratitude! God has been so good to me!

I had my second knee replacement surgery in February 2018, went home the day after instead of two days later, and after lots of physical therapy, I can now walk without pain in my knees! That doesn't mean that I don't still have the RA and FM pain everywhere else in my body, but it is definitely freeing to be able to walk without a cane or walker. I try to take care of my body and I pray that the autoimmune stuff stays quiet. One day at a time...

2018 also had me breaking out of my "shell", so to speak. In October, I completed my first 4½ hour drive ALONE! Woo Hoo, that was freeing! My nephew and his beautiful bride got married and I was determined to be at that wedding. I was so happy when I arrived at my hotel! Exhausted, but happy. It was a gorgeous day for the wedding, not too hot, and I also got to see some of my out of state family that I hadn't seen in more than 35 years! I am so grateful to God (as my Guide) that I was able to make the trip!

2018 was a time for growth and reconnections. My brother and sister both live back in the area and have become such a wonderful lifeline and source of joy to me! I've been back and forth to their homes and them to mine several times throughout the year. Always a great source of fun and laughter when we get together! 

I was "allowed" to spend a few hours with my grandson, Bentley, at the beginning of December so we could go to dinner and then Walmart to let him pick out his birthday present. He turned 6 and is so tall! He did say he is the tallest one in his kindergarten class. Them Burkey genes have taken a hold of him. 😊😊 I still haven't met his new sister who will be two this year. All in God's timing. 

I survived Christmas 2018 without a tear! (2017 brought a threat of the little men in white coats) My daughters are still doing their own things, sans me. BUT, I have learned that I can find joy, peace and comfort in God (as well as my siblings) and He will never leave nor forsake me! Everything else is in His Hands. I trust and pray everyday that He will soften their hearts so that they will find their way back to Him and in turn to me. In the meantime, I have learned to really enjoy my own company. Who woulda' thunk it?! LOL

So, here we are... A New Year... New Beginnings... New Hopes... New Goals...

May this year bring everything you hope, dream and pray for! 

Beware The Prankster Behind

Too funny!! When my parents were alive, we would occasionally bring out the scale and everyone would take a turn. I wasn't sure how much I weighed, but knew I was gaining, so I purposely went last hoping to not have to get on it. Didn't work. On I go, and it stopped at just over 200lbs. I started crying. I had gained more than I thought. My Dad saw my tears and immediately fessed up about having been behind me pressing down on the back of the scale. Of course, being a family of pranksters, tears became laughter and playful swatting. 

Dad could be so funny and he loved to tease. He was also very loving and strict all at the same time. Oh, how I miss my Dad!!

Two Months Later, But Who's Counting

This crazy life I live... Some would say it's peaceful (and it is), some would be bored with the solitude (I'm not bored), some would want to be out and about meeting new people, starting new relationships, etc., etc. (not me). So, what have I done these past two months?

The knees have healed. Yay!! I still have a deep dimple above my left knee, but no more pain! I had to change the water filter under my sink last weekend and discovered just how weak two major surgeries within six months have left me. It was a little frightening. No wonder I feel as if my balance is off at times. It probably is. I need to fix it and I will, but how is the question. I qualify for Silver Sneakers and have several places to choose from. I hate to go alone, though. I'll figure it out... One day at a time.

I signed up for Plenty Of Fish recently and had a coffee "date" with a gentleman from VA. He looked so old! His hands shook with what he said the doctors told him were essential tremors. I don't know if I want someone with alot of health issues. Well, not to marry at least. I have taken care of so many people in my lifetime, from babysitting my little brother while our Mom worked to children and husbands starting at a very young age all the up until this third divorce last year. Anyway, his name is Lacey and he talks more than me!! Believe it or not!! He also is very knowledgeable, but tends to go a bit overboard in expressing what he knows. He might be fun to hang around with at times, but I don't know if he is long term material. When I asked him to be honest about our meeting, he did say he had a good time talking with me, but that I was heavier than what he expected. HA! I told him he should have seen me 100 pounds ago, lol. But its all good. He did not ask me what I thought of him, though. He is so knowledgeable, he probably already knows, lol.

I have been catfished (almost) three times already (no financial loss in any way, shape or form) and I really think the women from Houston have disappeared as I see a lot of men from there who promise to maintain good communication even though they are far away and to not let it scare me. LOL, no thank you. If you're not local and I can't see you in person, I'm not interested.

I don't know how long this dating thing will take. I'm not in a rush. I want to explore other avenues besides dating apps. I need to go to church. I've also read that volunteering at a shelter or food pantry can lead to a match. We'll see. No matter what, I don't mind being alone. I do miss my girls more than I can say and I wish they would at least text with me, but I guess its not to be right now.

So, for now, I am Doreen. I would love to get to know you better. Where are you from?...

Where to begin?

It's been an incredibly long time (almost 4½ years to be exact) and I really don't know where to begin. OK... RA is still the daily demon in spite of medication and surgeries (come back for that). Thrice divorced is the name of the game (insert single, alone, enlightened), shunned Mama is my name. Oh well... Stuff happens. My walk with God is stronger by the day. He has brought me THROUGH the fire! More to come... Promise... It's 5:30pm and I'm operating on peanut butter crackers and coffee. Not a good combination, I know, but more to come...

Good Ole' RA

I had surgery three weeks ago yesterday on my right foot by my little toe. The plans were to remove some bone spurs, correct a Tailor Bunion Abnormality and remove a 1.5cm tumor (all on the little toe side). He did pretty much what he said he was going to do, but the bone on my little toe had turned blue between the 1st and 2nd knuckle. It kind of freaked the doctor out - he readily admitted it. He told hubby that he was concerned it might be cancer - which REALLY freaked David out as he lost his favorite sister 21 mos ago to cancer and has another sister who appears to be in the final stages of cancer as well. So, when the doctor mentioned cancer on my foot, you just can imagine how David felt.

PRAISE GOD!! The biopsy came back as most likely cyanosis (poor circulation or inadequate oxygenation). It appears that the death of that section of bone is a side effect of Rheumatoid Arthritis - Yippee - NOT!! I'm just grateful that it’s not cancer.

Last Thursday, the doc removed the last of the stitches - said it looked real good - told me to use Palmer's Cocoa Butter on it to minimize the appearance of the scar and I don't have to go back for a month. I imagine it is just for a final check up. I'm glad it’s over.

Unfortunately, now it’s time for the next area to be addressed. I don't know if it should be my shoulder or my wrist. Both areas have issues. Lately the wrist is the worst. I'll let the Orthopaedic make the decision. I'm just tired of pain. I hate going under the knife, but if it makes things better and no pain, then I will go for it. It’s much better than taking a bunch of pain pills, that's for sure...

What A Day!!

No kidding!! About 5 days ago, I got an email from USPS (post office) stating that I had a package waiting for me and all I had to do was print the attached label and take it to the post office to get my package. Yeah, right! I should have known better, but I fell for it - hook, line and sinker. I should have recognized that the colors in the logo were wrong. I should have called the post office before trying to open the zip-file to see if it was legit. I should have recognized that the post office has never done things like that before. I should have just marked it as "SPAM" and been done with it.

But, I didn't. I tried to open the zip-file and of course it wouldn't open. So, when it doesn't work the first time, you try it again, right? NOT!! So, after 5 days of trying to fix things myself and going crazy every time my Avast anti-virus popped up with 21+ notifications of blocked Malware I had to shut the volume off and called Avast this morning just before 11 am, asking for help.

5½ hours later (honestly, seriously), things are finally back to normal. I am so grateful and so exhausted all at the same time. I can now turn my speakers back on and listen to music or whatever else I want without that incessant warning popping up over and over and over again.

What a wasted day. BUT - at least my computer is fixed! Thank God! Now I can get something to eat as I haven't eaten all day and then I'm going to crash and burn in front of the TV while I lounge comfortably on my bed...

Another Day in the Neighborhood

Nothing's really changed. I still feel on edge. Its been said that if you don't know what to do, then do nothing. That's me - doing nothing. I've tried to lay back and take it easy. It does help to ease my mind of the things from the previous post. I found a local place (A Caring Heart) that is a counseling center. I think I need to check into it. I don't know...

I'm tired. I'm sick of being in pain. The newest pains involve my pinkie finger, first knuckle, all the way to the tip of the finger. My hand was numb one morning. I semi-straightened my pillows like I always do when I first wake up, but because my hand was numb, my middle, ring and pinkie fingers felt funny - very uncomfortable, almost painful when I did this. Its been a couple of weeks since this happened. My pinkie is red, feels funny, swollen and kinda hurts when I bend it. IDK...

My right knee has been horrible, but then its my lower back too. Those have been so bad that I've resorted to using my walker more often than usual. Of course when we have rain, storms, tropical disturbances, everything is worse. I don't know if its my knee or back or both. Something needs to be done. I'm thinking a repeat MRI of my lower back for comparison. I don't know what it'll show, but something is changing and its not for the good.

Ok, blah, blah, blah, whine, whine, whine, complain, complain, complain. That's it for now.

TBOTE

Saturday, May 19, 2012. Home alone (again). Its been over a year since David has been spending the weekends at Davy's. I used to go in the beginning, but as my RA has progressed, the guest bed became increasingly uncomfortable. I do better in my own bed. Casey continued to go with him, but after a while, even she got tired of the every weekend thing. I should have marked the calendar way back when, but I didn't. I am now. So far, out of 3 weekends in May, he's been gone 2. The first weekend he didn't get home until 10:30pm Sunday night. He was grumpy, in pain and way overtired all that next week. He didn't go out the next weekend (mother's day), so he finally got some rest and was a little better last week. We'll see what time he gets home tomorrow night. I ask if he'll be home fairly early on Sunday. He can't promise - depends on what they get into.

Sometimes I think I'd be better off in a place of my own. Then I'm not expecting anything from anyone and I won't be disappointed or let down when his actions show he'd rather spend time with his son than with me. Time will tell...

TBOTE = The Beginning Of The End...