In The Blink Of An Eye

In the blink of an eye, everything can change. People from my past, whom I hadn't honestly thought about in a long time, *poof* they're gone. This person takes me back to the 1980's when I moved back to Vermont and started my life over.

 In small town America, employment options are sometimes few and far between. One of the bigger employers of that time for that area was called The Book Press. My (#2) husband worked there as a journeyman. They printed and prepared books for sale. All kinds of books. The machines were massive! It was amazing to watch these HUGE rolls of paper travel up, down, and all-around this machine and at the end become big sheets of paper, printed on the front and back, ready to go on to the next machine for binding and becoming a book. 

Mark Calabrese was also a journeyman and frequently worked on the press right next to (#2). We all became friends and when (sadly) in 1989, my marriage to (#2) fell apart, Mark and his wife purchased our house, which allowed us to go our separate ways.

I'd hear from Mark or his wife off and on in the beginning. At first, they were just checking in on me, which was really nice. Then there were major issues with the house that I had no prior idea about. And our conversations became fewer and farther between. 

Today, I learned that Mark Calabrese has passed away. He had throat cancer and had been in declining health ever since. 

Throat cancer. A rough cancer. My Dad passed from complications due to it in 2002. His youngest brother had it twice. He wasn't so lucky the second time. 

So, in what seemed like the blink of an eye, life changed. The people we knew are gone and it's only just a matter of another blink before you join them. 

🎵Love the ones you're with.🎵

Life is short, fleeting - all in the blink of an eye. Make the best of today. Yesterday is gone, tomorrow is not promised. 

Respite For The Weary

‍I share this prayer with you because it's a good one. The content is simple yet profound:

"A Prayer of Relinquishment" by Richard Foster

Today, O Lord, I yield myself to you.

May your will be my delight today.

May your way have perfect sway in me.

May your love be the pattern of my living.

I surrender to you my hopes, my dreams, my ambitions. Do with them what you will, when you will, as you will.

I place into your loving care my family, my friends, my future. Care for them with a care that I can never give.

I release into your hands my need to control,

my craving for status,

my fear of obscurity.

Eradicate the evil, pacify the good, and establish your kingdom on earth.

For Jesus' sake. Amen.

‍

Twelve Years

This is a tough post to make. I don't know where to start. Maybe the beginning.

Twelve years ago, my husband at the time called and asked me to come to his workplace. When I got there, he showed me three little kittens. A white one, a silver calico and a striped tabby. Of course they're all adorable! I'm a cat lover. I chose to take the white one, but my ex said he wanted to take all three of them. OH! That was a surprise! He was the one who always seemed to complain about spending and I reminded him of the expenses of a new kitten, but he was adamant about taking on all three. Me, being the cat lady that I am, wasn't going to argue with him, lol. 

So, home they all came. Initially referred to as "The Three Amigos", even though one of them was an Amiga, 😁 they quickly adapted to their new home. Kittens are so much fun! They still needed names, though. That evening, after dinner, they were playing in the box they came home in and we decided to name them. The white kitten was easy. He became Casper, as in, 

🎵Casper, the friendly ghost. The friendly ghost was he!🎵, 

which he ended up loving and I would frequently sing it to him. 

The striped kitten was a little on the clumsy side as he tried to keep up with Casper. He became George, as in Brendan Fraser's 

"George, George, George of the Jungle, watch out for that treeee!". 

It really fit him good!

The last kitten, the little silver calico was the most difficult to pick a name for. I had never seen a calico like her and, honestly, I thought she was a little on the ugly side at first. AT FIRST. So, after much thought, she became Fiona, as in the Princess/Ogre from the Shrek series. She has become a wonderful companion and I tend to call for her in a sing-song kind of way, 

🎵Fi-fi-ona🎵. 

She responds well to her name. 

This blog will be mostly about Casper. He became the favorite, sorry kitties. You are very much loved, too. I'll talk about you in a bit.

Casper is very inquisitive and adventurous. Sometimes getting himself into trouble. The worst trouble came when he was about three months old. All three were scheduled for a procedure. I was getting ready to take them. It was early morning. The kittens were hungry and thirsty as food and water had been withheld after midnight. They were running and jumping all over the place. Little furry pogo sticks, lol. I love kittens! 

I decided to empty my bladder one more time before we left. As I lifted the lid, SPLASH!! Casper was going to jump on the toilet seat, but instead ended up IN the toilet! Thank God the water was clean! I quickly grabbed him and dried him off. I honestly think we're talking seconds between the splash and me snatching him out as he was barely wet! Needless to say, he actually took a minute to look and make sure the lid was down from then on...

Their procedure all went off without a hitch - or so we thought. That night, my ex called for me to come to the livingroom. He said Casper was coughing. I checked him out and couldn't find a cause for the cough, so I decided to just keep an eye on him. A few hours later, he called for me again. He said it seemed like Casper was gasping for air. We decided to take him to the emergency clinic at the north end of the next town over.

After what seemed like forever and a ridiculous amount of time spent outlining the cost of each and every step, I was beyond frustrated and crying and yelling, "I don't care about the cost! Just help him, he's dying! Give him a shot of Lasix to get the water out of his lungs!" And finally, after letting us know about the cost of Lasix and me again yelling, "I don't care about the cost! Just help him, he's dying!", they gave him a shot and wrote a prescription for an antibiotic, we were on our way back home. With Casper. It was a sleepless night, but he made it. And after a couple of days on the antibiotic, he was back to his normal kitten self. Thank God! 🙏

Fast forward ten years, Casper has been a healthy cat. Growing, playing, sleeping, doing all things C.A.T... Until he was around ten and urinary crystals started to form. Poor kitty. He was in so much pain, but we got through it and I kept him on Iams for Urinary Tract Health and we never had anymore problems with that.

TWELVE YEARS OLD 

Both of my cats are considered "senior" now. Well, if you count me too, that's three of us. One day a few weeks ago, Casper was sick to his stomach, but it seemed to pass, even though nothing seemed to come of it. I decided to keep an eye on him. It's not unusual for a cat to cough up a fur ball or two.

Casper seemed to be doing alright. He was eating and drinking like normal, anticipating the ice cubes I would put in his water bowl every morning. 

From time to time, he would let me put him on my talking scale. He would sit ever so still until he'd hear, "Your weight is XX.x pounds". Once she stopped talking, he knew he could get off the scale. One day I was surprised to hear that he was 16lbs. Which was actually normal for him, but several months before, he had gained and was up to 19lbs. So, when he had lost those three extra pounds, I really didn't think anything about it, but vowed to keep an eye on him for any symptoms that might be concerning. 

Everything went fast shortly after that. He seemed to be sleeping under my bed more than usual and he didn't seem to be eating like he had been. One morning as he was walking towards me, I caught a visual of him that I hadn't seen before. The distinction between his rib cage and his back end was surprising! He looked too skinny!

I didn't know where to go. The vet we had always used had retired and after a while, the practice was taken over by someone else who, later on, had sold the practice and the building was empty. 

I found this Clinic in town who, as it turns out, was not a full service veterinarian, but was kind enough to take a look at him. He was severely dehydrated, and down to 13lbs now, so they drew some blood and gave him a bag of fluids. The vet was extremely worried about him. As was I. She reminded me again that they weren't a full service clinic and she wasn't able to hospitalize him and I honestly couldn't afford to have him hospitalized any way. I hate money! But, that's a story for another time. So I brought him home. 

The Vet Clinic called back the next day. Casper's bloodwork showed that he was in severe kidney failure. There was no turning back at this point. He was getting weaker, although he never complained. He would meow at me, as if reminding me he was still there and not to forget the ice cubes in his water bowl.

<sigh> My stomach burns at this part. It was time. I held Casper and choked back tears. I told him how much I loved him and what a good kitty he had been. One of the girls from the Vet Clinic came by and picked him up. I had struggled greatly, trying not to fall the other day as I was leaving their facility, walking back to my car, between the kennel and my oxygen tank, so they offered to pick up Casper on their way into work the next day. They were truly a blessing. And I am so grateful for all they did to help Casper. 

My buddy Casper has moved on to "Rainbow Bridge", where he has been restored to health and vigor. I miss him more than words can say. I know he's in a better place, but my heart is grieving him. I love you so very much, Casper, my friendly ghost. Fiona and I will always hold your memory close to our hearts. Until we meet again, my buddy.

Grandma's Dirty Joke

 Thanks to @amymeents' Grandma on TikTok

There was this young man who was a real health nut. He woke up every morning and admired himself in a long mirror. This one day, he realized that he was tan everywhere except his penis!

He said, "Oh my!! I've got to do something about this." So, he went outside and buried himself, leaving just his penis sticking out.

Here comes two women in their 80's walking by, one using a cane. The one with the cane smacked the penis with it.

The other lady said, "Well, what did you do that for?"

The lady with the cane said, "You know there ain't no justice in this world! When I was 20, I was kinda curious about it, then when I was 30, I kinda liked it! When I was 40, I asked for it. When I was 50, I paid for it. When I got to 60, I prayed for it. And now that I'm 80, and the danged things are growing wild, I'm too old to squat!

It's Been A Minute

  It's been a minute. Or so they say nowadays. But, what exactly is a minute? According to the online dictionary, a formal definition would be, "a period of time equal to sixty seconds or a sixtieth of an hour". Whereas an informal definition is, "a period of time; a while". OK, so yeah, it's been a while(minute)🙄, whatever. 

During this time, I turned 60! But my mind doesn't feel that old! My eye doctor said he needs to keep an eye on my eye (lol). It appears that my eye is forming a cataract! Isn't that something "old people" get? In my mind, I am still in my 40's! Well, I guess my body has decided to behave as a 60+ regardless of my mind's opinion. 

My Pulmonologist wants me to have my CPAP needs retitrated. It has been a minute (see where I went there?) since the last time. She wants to switch me over to BIPAP. What?! I understand that my numbers have been all over the place. I know my air pressure needs have topped out at 20 on several occasions (severe COSA). I know a BIPAP will breathe with me (adjustable pressures up to 26) whereas the CPAP is a constant flow of air pressure that increases (up to 20) as my needs increase. So, this all makes sense to me, but I can't get it out of my head that BIPAP is the go-to when someone is critical (and usually intubated) in an emergency situation, possibly bound to die. But, for me, this is not an emergency. 

The manufacturer of the CPAP machine has a massive recall going on. They don't know if the machines will be repaired or replaced yet. They're waiting to get a ruling from some branch of government. In the meantime, I have an in-line filter on the hose end, so if my machine is or has melted or otherwise destroyed the internal filter, it will catch the particles instead of me breathing them in. 

But... What if this had already happened prior to the recall? Could this have been the deciding factor that caused me to get COPD? Or is it the reason why the middle lobe of my right lung is not expanding and contracting properly, causing me to be out of breath with minimal exertion? Who knows?!

 The upside is if my doctor decides to put me on BIPAP, the recall issue will be instantly resolved for me, as those machines have all been checked and are not part of any recall. And by switching to BIPAP now, rather than waiting, the huge demand for proper CPAP machines will no longer be an issue for me.  Win/Win? I suppose you could see it that way. <sigh>

So, to finish up with this post, the only other thing going on with me is n.o.t.h.i.n.g... I'm a Mom to two, Mimi to five boys and one girl and as of July of last year (2020), I am a GREAT-GRANDMOTHER to a little girl who I have yet to meet. My two are not speaking to me which trickles down to the grands and now the great-grand. It has caused me major anxiety over the years. I have finally learned how to turn it all over to God. I would by lying if I said it doesn't bother me from time to time. But being able to call out to God and pray for Him to take this anxiety from me, has given me such peace. I miss my family more than I can say and I hope and pray that we all can reunite soon. That would be the biggest and best blessing that I could ever hope for!

In the meantime, I am me. Doreen, Mom, Dodo, Mimi, Great-Mimi. Whatever you want to call me. I love my family and friends. I pray daily that God will bless them and keep them safe as they go about their day. I believe He hears me. I believe He has only good things planned for my life. Until it is my time to go home... Amen🙏🏻❤

See ya'll in another "minute".😄🥰💕

Too Good Not To Retell

 

I saw this cartoon and it just cracked me up. For whatever reason, my family would pull out the scale and we would take turns weighing in. I always went last because I've always struggled with my weight all of my life and I really didn't like the scale... This one day, I was especially hesitant because a number that I never wanted to see was looming closer. Eventually, I got on, looked down and burst into tears. I was well over that dreaded number. Everyone suddenly became very animated, talking at the same time. My Dad grabbed me by my arms and told me to get back on the scale. I told him no, I didn't need to see that again. He insisted and then told me that he had been pushing down on the back of the scale!! Turns out, I was not even close to that dreaded number! I laugh now. My Dad was quite the jokester! 

A Loner? Or Just Alone? Does it really matter?

That's a good book, BTW...

I used to be a busy person. As a kid (as soon as I was old enough), I helped an old man clean his house, babysat for my neighbors,worked at a pizza parlor and then a florist shop. I worked at TGY (department store) for a very short period of time until I got the job I really wanted at Publix (grocery store). I would have loved to stay with them beyond my two years, as I loved the people I worked with and the customers, but as a single parent of a little girl, I needed a full-time job with benefits. I worked at Fish Memorial Hospital (before HCA took over) in the x-ray department, transporting patients, helping to position the patients for the x-rays, developing and then transcribing them once the Radiologist read the films. I worked in banking as a teller and then became Supervisor of the checking department, including their remote Points Of Service, for a Savings & Loan. I went back to school years later and became a Barber. I loved the work and the customers were fantastic. The busy business of a Hairstylist got the better of me and I left. Plus, hubby constantly gave me grief over my hours. The best money was made at night and he didn't like playing Mr. Mom... Finally, I worked at a Door & Trim shop as an Accounts Administrator for just about 5 years. Again, hubby couldn't handle it when I worked overtime. The money was excellent, and I loved feeling like I could be self-sufficient, but his ego couldn't take the fact that I made more money than him. 😎 Plus, in 2005, everything came crashing down when Rheumatoid Arthritis & Fibromyalgia reared their ugly heads. I can't help but wonder if all the stress at home and feeling torn between my job and family brought this all on (amongst lots of other stressors in my life). I've been declared legally disabled and unable to work ever since (well, after fighting with SSD for almost 7 years!). I wish they would find a cure. I feel like I've gone way downhill in the past 14 years. BUT, I try to do the best I can with what I have and am able to do on any given day. I rest when my body tells me to. I've learned to say "NO", although it still hurts to have to say it sometimes. I was the one who always wanted to be the grandmother (Mimi) who watched the grands while their parents worked. Now I've had to learn to enjoy my own company. The grands don't come over anymore and I was unable to pick up the toddlers anyway (although I tried and paid for it later). I just love and miss them with all of my heart. 💖 Then in 2016, my husband decided he didn't love me anymore and so, after 1/2 of my life with this man (26+ years), I was facing another divorce. The 3rd one in my life, although this marriage had lasted the longest, I still felt like a failure. I guess I am just not made for marriage. No more, though. I'm done - the ballgame is over. The kids are all grown. They don't need me anymore. It's MY time now! I've learned that I like my own company! Watch out world. HERE I COME!!! 🙌 I'm not a loner, I'm not lonely and it doesn't really matter. I AM ME!!

2018 - The Good, The Bad And The Much Better!

What a year 2018 has been! So much growth and gratitude! God has been so good to me!

I had my second knee replacement surgery in February 2018, went home the day after instead of two days later, and after lots of physical therapy, I can now walk without pain in my knees! That doesn't mean that I don't still have the RA and FM pain everywhere else in my body, but it is definitely freeing to be able to walk without a cane or walker. I try to take care of my body and I pray that the autoimmune stuff stays quiet. One day at a time...

2018 also had me breaking out of my "shell", so to speak. In October, I completed my first 4½ hour drive ALONE! Woo Hoo, that was freeing! My nephew and his beautiful bride got married and I was determined to be at that wedding. I was so happy when I arrived at my hotel! Exhausted, but happy. It was a gorgeous day for the wedding, not too hot, and I also got to see some of my out of state family that I hadn't seen in more than 35 years! I am so grateful to God (as my Guide) that I was able to make the trip!

2018 was a time for growth and reconnections. My brother and sister both live back in the area and have become such a wonderful lifeline and source of joy to me! I've been back and forth to their homes and them to mine several times throughout the year. Always a great source of fun and laughter when we get together! 

I was "allowed" to spend a few hours with my grandson, Bentley, at the beginning of December so we could go to dinner and then Walmart to let him pick out his birthday present. He turned 6 and is so tall! He did say he is the tallest one in his kindergarten class. Them Burkey genes have taken a hold of him. 😊😊 I still haven't met his new sister who will be two this year. All in God's timing. 

I survived Christmas 2018 without a tear! (2017 brought a threat of the little men in white coats) My daughters are still doing their own things, sans me. BUT, I have learned that I can find joy, peace and comfort in God (as well as my siblings) and He will never leave nor forsake me! Everything else is in His Hands. I trust and pray everyday that He will soften their hearts so that they will find their way back to Him and in turn to me. In the meantime, I have learned to really enjoy my own company. Who woulda' thunk it?! LOL

So, here we are... A New Year... New Beginnings... New Hopes... New Goals...

May this year bring everything you hope, dream and pray for! 

Beware The Prankster Behind

Too funny!! When my parents were alive, we would occasionally bring out the scale and everyone would take a turn. I wasn't sure how much I weighed, but knew I was gaining, so I purposely went last hoping to not have to get on it. Didn't work. On I go, and it stopped at just over 200lbs. I started crying. I had gained more than I thought. My Dad saw my tears and immediately fessed up about having been behind me pressing down on the back of the scale. Of course, being a family of pranksters, tears became laughter and playful swatting. 

Dad could be so funny and he loved to tease. He was also very loving and strict all at the same time. Oh, how I miss my Dad!!

Two Months Later, But Who's Counting

This crazy life I live... Some would say it's peaceful (and it is), some would be bored with the solitude (I'm not bored), some would want to be out and about meeting new people, starting new relationships, etc., etc. (not me). So, what have I done these past two months?

The knees have healed. Yay!! I still have a deep dimple above my left knee, but no more pain! I had to change the water filter under my sink last weekend and discovered just how weak two major surgeries within six months have left me. It was a little frightening. No wonder I feel as if my balance is off at times. It probably is. I need to fix it and I will, but how is the question. I qualify for Silver Sneakers and have several places to choose from. I hate to go alone, though. I'll figure it out... One day at a time.

I signed up for Plenty Of Fish recently and had a coffee "date" with a gentleman from VA. He looked so old! His hands shook with what he said the doctors told him were essential tremors. I don't know if I want someone with alot of health issues. Well, not to marry at least. I have taken care of so many people in my lifetime, from babysitting my little brother while our Mom worked to children and husbands starting at a very young age all the up until this third divorce last year. Anyway, his name is Lacey and he talks more than me!! Believe it or not!! He also is very knowledgeable, but tends to go a bit overboard in expressing what he knows. He might be fun to hang around with at times, but I don't know if he is long term material. When I asked him to be honest about our meeting, he did say he had a good time talking with me, but that I was heavier than what he expected. HA! I told him he should have seen me 100 pounds ago, lol. But its all good. He did not ask me what I thought of him, though. He is so knowledgeable, he probably already knows, lol.

I have been catfished (almost) three times already (no financial loss in any way, shape or form) and I really think the women from Houston have disappeared as I see a lot of men from there who promise to maintain good communication even though they are far away and to not let it scare me. LOL, no thank you. If you're not local and I can't see you in person, I'm not interested.

I don't know how long this dating thing will take. I'm not in a rush. I want to explore other avenues besides dating apps. I need to go to church. I've also read that volunteering at a shelter or food pantry can lead to a match. We'll see. No matter what, I don't mind being alone. I do miss my girls more than I can say and I wish they would at least text with me, but I guess its not to be right now.

So, for now, I am Doreen. I would love to get to know you better. Where are you from?...